Let’s Talk About Sexual Abstinence, Shall We?
Sexual abstinence isn’t a popular subject. Especially since the world revolves so much around sex nowadays. It certainly isn’t an easy thing to admit you’re committing to either. Going without sex today could actually be met with more question than respect. With apps like Tinder and POF (these are old, I know!), there are almost zero excuses to be a virgin. Well if it’s not intentional.
But the key phrase here is “intentional.” Why is it that so much of what we consider a “good night” involves hooking up with someone? Sure, I get the thrill of getting hit on by a 9/10, then going so far as to get the number, but after you get lucky, what next? For some, this is the life. I sort of answered the question myself; it’s the thrill of sex (and for men, the chase) that keeps us hooked. From the ages of about 20-23, I was all about my numbers. Especially after I turned 22 after a messy little break-up. Once I caught on to the rhythm of the dating game and the numbers were coming in, I was hooked.
Sexual Abstinence Can Be Liberating. . . Say Whaaat?
So I totally get the thrill of sex; chasing it, the act itself, all that good stuff. But what if you hit a snag in your game and now you have to go without sex for an extended period of time? Maybe you had some kind of surgery that requires bed rest and sexual abstinence for a few months. Or maybe you moved to a new town and the crowd just isn’t worked the same way as the crowd from the other place (happens all the time for us military folk). Whatever the reason, you’re now in a dry spell. But is it the end of the world?
For about 7 months now I’ve been doing a personal growth experiment as part of my journey as a Holistic Health Coach. The last time I had sex was in February of this year (2017). The reason for it is a little of everything; healing from a failed long-term relationship, finances, and focus. And what I mean by focus is that during this 7-month stretch, my priorities shifted, and I had to change focus. I went from focusing on a toxic 3-year relationship with amazing sex regularly to focusing on re-discovering who I am again. This meant separating myself from the idea that I need sex to define my masculinity and who I am as an individual. As cliche as this may sound, this shift in focus has had profound positive effects in my life. Allow me to explain.
You’ll Find A Form Of Freedom
Believe me when I say that I used to laugh at the idea of sexual abstinence. But in life, you’ll see that personal growth can happen at any stage. Right now I’m trying out an idea for my Holistic Health Coaching services that includes local cheap traveling, touring, and exploring. Basically, on my spare time, I grab my travel backpack (my buddies in the Air Force referred to it as my “Life Bag”), start walking, maybe take a bus, maybe take a bike, but I just go. I go to cafe’s, restaurants, bars, sometimes clubs, parks, lakes. You name it, I’m there.
When about 10pm hits and the nightlife in Tacoma starts buzzing, I hit the bars. But here’s the kicker: I go by myself, with my nerdy purple backpack (just got a new blue one though!), my hair grown out in what can best be described as fro-twists, and my beard shaggy. Sometimes I go home, brush the teeth and wash up the vitals, and go straight out in my work clothes. Impressing nobody.
Although my appearance and gear don’t scream, “take me now,” women still approach me and chat. However, most of the time, I’m just enjoying my drink to myself, listening to the music, and enjoying being immersed in the social scene. My focus isn’t on getting laid, but rather discovering my true self in social scenes without the heavy burden of chasing sex.
So What Has Sexual Abstinence Given Me?
What have I learned from this 7-month experiment thus far? Well aside from bracing from the flack I’ll be getting from my friends, it’s a lot like trying a new diet for the first time: Initially, it’s a little rough, as the temptation doesn’t just go away just because you decided to try something different. But once you’re about a month into it, you feel liberated and see no reason to look back. I mean, why fix what isn’t broken right? I’m so focused on improving myself that I have no desire for sexual satisfaction at the moment.
The biggest blessing that’s come out of my sexual abstinence experiment is that I am literally me at all times. There’s no hidden desire to impress anybody. No fear of saying the wrong thing and risk not getting laid that night. I don’t have to worry about my breath (although I still always carry Orbit), my unpopped collar, or whether or not the drink I have in my hand is perceived as “manly enough” for the beautiful but drunken lady across the stool from me. Nope. None of that. It’s just me speaking the way I speak, looking the way I look and acting the way I act. I am literally free and doing me in every way, and there is ZERO pressure to impress and please nobody else but myself. Through 27 years of life, I’ve never felt this kind of freedom.
You’ll also see that you gain respect for yourself for not giving in to desires. It shows you have willpower, restraint, discipline, and focus. It’s a rewarding feeling when you discover such powerful traits completely on your own.
Battling The Urge Is Worth The Personal Reward
Sexual abstinence isn’t for everyone, and in no way was this article meant to judge singles who have sex regularly. As one who’s previously pursued and partook in that lifestyle for a couple of years, I can personally vouch for the thrill of it. It’s not just about the sex; it’s about the crazy night, the people, and the memories, ON TOP of the icing on the cake if one got lucky that night. So I completely get that world. In fact, talking about it still gets me excited.
Honestly, I plan to keep this going for at least another year. I feel like there is so much more I can discover about myself without the distraction of chasing tail. For those looking to take that next step in self-growth and discovery, you may want to explore sexual abstinence. Man or woman, there’s no greater pleasure in the world than the pleasure being one 100% true and real to yourself. When you’re focused on that, the right people flock into your life. And who knows, when that starts happening, maybe your sex life will pick up again with the Right One?
As a Holistic Health Coach, my field of scope includes the relationships and making sure you’re getting what you need from them, including the relationship with yourself. For coaching services regarding relationship and self-discovery, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or ask any questions you may have in the comments!
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